WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERE’S A WAY

Have you ever prayed for something that never came to be? There are so many unanswered prayers that chances are I will never understand. In those times, I pray and cry out to Jesus, putting them in the “compartment” of “I do not understand Lord.” However, today, I am reflecting on those requests that I am thankful God did not answer. #godswaysovermine 

I think back to many prayers and even pleas I made to the Lord when I was in my teens and twenties.

All the opportunities I prayed would come, the doors I prayed to open, the friendships I prayed would stay, the relationships I prayed would turn into the one that lasted…

I often prayed for my Prince Charming aka the one that the movies told me would save me from my pain, loneliness, deep sadness and anxieties (Or so I thought). I drafted all the stories in my head of how it would happen, especially on long car rides with my family where my dad would play 106.7 and I’d envision the fairytale.

But that was flawed: a prince, boyfriend, nor husband would not save me.

Only Jesus could.

Still, I didn’t understand that yet and sought the fairytale in places I was not meant to stay, in chapters that would turn before I was ready for them to do so and in people that would be written out of my life’s script.

Take for instance, the relationship I prayed would work out in high school. I prayed, prayed and prayed. I wrote endless entries in my diary that sounded like this…

Dear God, Why not me? What have I done wrong? Please make him love me for me. Why not me? What can I change or do? Help me Lord. As always, thank You. ~ Jen

I had it (thankfully) wrong.

Yet again though, there was a moment that changed everything for me, a moment that I did not draft and one no one around me believed.

It was a moment where I had a taste of freedom and even more importantly started to learn an important lesson to carry through all ages and times.

It involved this Truth:

GOD HAS THE WILL.

AND HE IS THE WAY.

At the age of 15, I was hospitalized for depression, anxiety and anorexia nervosa. It was after losing 40 pounds from my 5’6” frame that had no business losing any weight at all. (That’s a story in itself because it probably goes without saying it didn’t happen overnight.) After two weeks of intense in-patient care and two weeks outpatient, I was back at school and continuing to heal. So much was changing as I was learning to combat my false sense of security in counting calories and the detrimental need for control. 

Yet one thing was the same: a terrible “love” saga with a boy continued. (And notice the quotation marks around love.) I still had so much work to do before that freedom came, so that “anything-but-love” game went on and off again for three years of high school. During that time, like many of us in our youth, I was praying, but for things to go my way. For some reason I thought that all of my anxiety, depression, and lack of self esteem would vanish if this could just finally work out, or if a boy would come to my rescue and save me. I prayed and talked to God about it too. I am not sure I was listening very much though. And so the drama series continued with something like this… 

Boy showed interest in Girl.

Girl liked Boy.

Boy got quiet but would come around when someone else was interested in Girl.

Girl would ditch others for Boy.

There was now another Girl who Boy was interested in.

Soon, the other Girl was out of the picture.   

But Girl (me) starved for more (physically and figuratively).

Boy promised much and nothing at the same time.

Boy kissed Girl then acted “shady” again. Girl blamed herself, as always, believing the LIE that she was unloveable. 

Boy came back around and made more empty promises.

Girl prayed to be loved back. 

On Valentine’s Day of 2000, Boy bought yet another girl flowers. Girl was hurt and angry. Girl was done. Enough was enough. 

That was when Girl (me) reluctantly changed my prayers. You see I remember distinctly crying out and writing to God. “Help me. I can’t bear this anymore.” And I did something differently after that cry, I listened.

I felt prompted and heard deep within my heart that I needed to: CHANGE THE PRAYER. PRAY for FREEDOM.

And I fought it despite my deep pain, What God!? I don’t want to pray for that! I knew what that could mean and I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready to “give up.”

But, I knew I needed a change. Maybe I was ready? Well, ready or not, I knew what I heard.

Therefore, I felt strongly the need to try it. I was healing in so many ways and this was holding me back. So I did it. I stubbornly, against my will, prayed for freedom, true freedom from these negative emotions. 

I had no idea the peace and joy that would come yet from walking in obedience to God’s plans. I didn’t even understand what I was doing was: praying for God’s will over mine. I was no longer praying for the relationship, I was praying to be set free from it. Against my own will, I did it and I had no idea that there was a blessing behind it. There was freedom behind it. There was something better than I ever could’ve drafted being revealed and unfolded because…

there was Jesus behind it.

Freedom came the very next morning and never left me with this, even when the boy tried to come back. 

Freedom. 

I remembered how freeing that moment was as if it were yesterday. It was perhaps one of the first and only times that I had prayed and immediately received the prayer. Has that ever happened to you? Because I can tell you, it was one of the most remarkable moments looking back. Sure, I had been praying the whole time, but for the wrong thing. I prayed that a guy would change his heart towards me. And it wasn’t until I prayed for freedom from it that it almost instantly came. 

God, Your will be done!

I wish I had known and held its value much better than I did back then though. Matthew 7:7 does tell us all, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” 

Then, why are we so afraid to ask? What do we have to lose?

For me at the time, I did not want freedom from it. I longed for what the chase would hopefully give me in the end. I longed for what was not meant to be mine. I longed to be loved by someone who could not love me the way I deserved to be loved. I felt like a failure at the time because I could not get someone to love me. But the reality was, God was teaching me a much better lesson: I didn’t need anyone. I needed God. I wish I could have gotten the message straight back then. It would have saved me from a lot of pain in college. But God was working there too despite my running. 

Now, when I find myself praying for a breakthrough, a healing, a miracle, and it does not appear to be happening, I pray for patience and trust in what God is working behind the scenes. But, I also reflect on any areas of my life that may be holding me back from that prayer’s answer. It is often in that reflection where the breakthrough comes.

It’s funny how no one believed me at the time when I tried to explain that I was finally over that boy. Why would they? I had run back to him and away from others for almost all of those high school years. 

However, unlike when I was trying to prove myself to people about something that I myself didn’t fully believe, this was different. I just told my close friends at the time, “I know you may not believe it, but watch and you’ll see.” I felt the freedom and peace from it, and knew, even though it was beyond my doing, I was free. 

This is the exact feeling that came when I finally broke free from anxiety in my mid-thirties. Can you imagine all the people who doubted me then? I’m done with anxiety! After three decades, it’s over and done with. The glorious part was I didn’t need to tell anyone. I mean, I told my husband, the true soulmate God aligned for my life, that he would see the change. But I didn’t need validation anymore. I had gotten it from Someone much greater. God! That’s freedom. 

So today, I am grateful for the unanswered prayers that protect me. I am grateful that my perfect God has a perfect plan because my drafts can get messy. I am forever thankful for my husband, my forever love and gift from God. I am blessed to say and breathe this in confidence, “So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.” (Galatians‬ ‭5:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬)

However, I am no different from anyone else. True freedom is found in accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior and it’s available for ALL of us right here and right now. 

“I am the Way and the Truth and the Life, and no one comes to the Father except through Me.” (John 14:6)

“This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” (‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:9-10‬)

Dear God,

You hold the perfect plans. Mine are flawed. Thank You for setting me free from the yoke of my drafts. I lift up my prayers today. I trust You. I want all You have for my life. Thank You for all the people who You have placed into my life. From the people from my past who taught such lessons to the blessings of my family and friends now, thank You. I thank You for my husband and for all the failed relationships or attempts at relationships beforehand. Today, I remember, because it keeps me humbled and grateful that Your ways are greater than anything I could ever plan. May Your will be done. I pray today that others would turn their hearts to You. I pray that they would accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I love You forever and ever. In Jesus’ name, Amen.