A LOVING LETTER TO MY 30-YEAR-OLD SELF
Do you ever wish you could go back in time and tell your younger self something? Maybe, it would be to give yourself a heads up. Or, maybe it would be to remind yourself that everything WILL be okay…
Well, that is just what I did.
Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to my 30s. At 10:46 am on Sunday, May 8, I said hello to an age I knew was near, but I had avoided thinking about until just a few minutes before. I didn’t know how to comprehend it or take it. In many ways, it was just another day, another birthday, another milestone. Then, I thought of turning 30. I thought of how different life had been back then. I reflected on how different I had been back then. And that reflection soon transformed into a letter to…
my 30 year old self.
Dear 30-year-old Jen,
There’s so much I would like to talk to you about. Between hugging you and telling you to let it go and lift it up, here would be some of my advice to you.
Let go of what you know. (The routines, the busy schedules, the overworking, the over-drinking, the delaying and even ignoring God's plans). God has more for you. Start recording His prompts, not your own.
I won’t lie to you: That first grey hair you found at 27 will turn into many, but don’t worry- it means nothing about your beauty. Beauty is deeper. It is internal. It is in each of those greys that symbolize wisdom and strength that has only begun to grow. I know it may seem impossible right now to not stress about them but I promise you, let them be. You are beautiful, grey “highlights” and all.
That anxiety that appears to be part of you, is NOT part of you. Those depressive thoughts you hide behind drinking, do NOT define you. God does. You will be set free from it and while it will happen in a moment, in the most bizarre of places, it will take a journey to get to that moment. “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:23-24)
The disordered eating that still lingers from your teens when you battled anorexia does NOT need to stay with you the rest of your life like the statistics say. God heals! You will be completely healed and you will never believe how. Stay tuned and stay faithful. keep believing!
This next step of having kids is going to be a blessing. I know you are terrified. I know people have told you that children ruined their relationship and marriage. Sure, they add in stress, new variables, and many sleepless nights. However, stand on scripture, on God’s word and on God at the core of your marriage. Remember Ecclesiastes 4:12,“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” I know change can be unnerving, but kids are a blessing, and change itself, can be too. You are more ready than you know. God has equipped you. Don’t listen to the doubt, fear or even the comfort of your mundane, yet overpacked routine. Believe in those prompts on your heart. And yes, when you see those fawns with their mother crossing the road in front of you, it is one of those very prompts.
You do not need a drink to have fun and know Joy. That’s not true Joy. I know your 20s were filled with drinking but you don’t need it like you think you do. Life is so much more abundant when you can be there fully. True Joy is from Christ, not the bottle. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)
You love your job and students but your career and money is not your life. They ultimately are not what matter. Your identity is not defined or found there. It is found in Christ. Pause and reset. Fix your focus and you will find God’s peace. I’ll leave that, like that, for now…
You will hit rock bottom. I know you don’t want to hear that. I know you think you already did in your early 20s, but there will be a fall. However, with every fall there is a rise above it. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4.) In the rise, strength and so much more is grown. When you grab hold of God’s promises in the climb out, there is His strength. “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10). Your faith is being tested and it is being made stronger. You’ll see.
A marriage to your soulmate won’t save your life from the pain of your past. But God can. Only God can. God can and will! Believe in that and remember Jesus defeated it ALL at the cross.
Oh and side note… be proud of your height. Get rid of the unwritten rules you have created for yourself. They do not exist. So, buy and wear the 3-and-a-half inch heels proudly, even if you appear taller than your husband. And you know those other unwritten restrictions you gave yourself for years, let them go if they do not align to God’s Word.
Speaking of His Word, you can talk to God all day long. You can write to Him. (That truly is amazing. Do not stop doing so.) You can believe in Him fully and go to church, but where is your Bible? There is more for you. Just like all of us, you were made for more. You learn of that more when you learn of God’s Word. Find time every morning to spend with God. Before the abundant life and blessings truly come, you need to learn of the true blessing. Jesus Christ! Be prepared for the trials, but do not just jump on the trial train. Instead, learn to stand firm in God’s truth as you acknowledge and let the train pass and change you into what God has called you to become.
Unlearn that need for control. Lean into the Lord who controls it all. I have a lot to say here but I will leave it at that for now too.
Do not be afraid to share your story and the testimony that God does in your life over these next years. You will doubt sharing because of the discomfort and fear that comes at you. However, you will feel the promptings too. Record them, pray about them and follow them. God is always working and doing so much. Give Him all the glory. Also, remember your favorite stuffed animal growing up? She was not named Memoir for nothing. It was not irony or chance that a seven-year old would come up with a name like that. It was also a prompt: start stepping. Start preparing. Start publishing.
You are so loved. No matter how you feel sometimes, you are so loved. Feelings are not facts. And yes, feeling alone despite being surrounded, is indeed a feeling. You are never alone. God is by your side. “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. …” (Psalm 118:6)
There is purpose in the pain. Remind your suffering of your divine perspective and purpose, the one given to you by the Lord. Hold onto Hope. It is found in God’s Truth. What are the Truths about the trials: This is not where our true home is; it is not eternal. The trials are temporary and will test and show if your faith is genuine. They are working out the impurities. They may feel fiery because they are burning what is not meant or beneficial for you, out of you. Through them, a steadfast faith will be brought forth.
I know that’s a lot to take in right now. So stand on this:
There is purpose in the pain.
Stand on God’s Word.
(Ps: you’ll have to learn it first. Day by day, step by step… so start, just start. )
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
There is more for all of us…
There is a reward for trusting Jesus, and not the world. The world will lead you astray. It will bring tears and trials but God has the true rewards in eternity. Trust in the Lord.
“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:6-9)
Therefore, this is how I close my “heart ramble” to you, and everyone who may see and read this. Cling to Jehovah Jireh! (Genesis 22:13-14)
He is our God who provides for us.
“Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.” (Genesis 22:13-14)
Trust Him. He will show you how faithful He is. No matter what, God is indeed good. He is sovereign. He sees you (Genesis 16:13).
“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13)
God is Healer. Time and time again, for decades you prayed, “God heal me of this anxiety and depression once and for all.” And He did! How could we ever know such healing and freedom if I did not know such suffering? If we did not need healing?
Jireh! God is Provider. How would we know what He longs to provide us if we have no needs?
God is our greatest teacher! How would we ever learn such lessons if we did not need to grow and mature, if we did not make messes and mistakes?
In the beginning of 2022, the word “prepare” was placed upon my heart. So as I prepare, and reflect back, I see that the reality is: the Lord has been preparing me (aka you) this whole time and continues to do so. And I am no different from the rest; the same goes for all of us. The same goes for you now, even at the age of 30. He made us all beautiful creations and He continues to prepare and grow even more in and through us, if we let Him, if we surrender to His plans and ways.
So I end with this. Put that glass of wine down. Pick up your Bible and your pen. Start each day in His presence and Word, even before your obsessive running at the gym (which He will also set you free of too). And get yourself a camera for the kids that you’ll have in your thirties and the picture-taking obsession that comes with motherhood. Get ready for a healing, a journey, a transformation that will change your life forever in such a powerfully beautiful way, that only God could orchestrate. Every single year gets better as wisdom and confidence in the Lord grows. And as you continue this messy but beautiful journey, remember to give yourself grace and rest too.
So as I stand here in a new decade, at a number and age I once feared, and I pray and believe this: The 40s will be the best yet! #peaceoutthirties
Remember that through it all, God gets all the glory.
I pray blessings upon you right here and right now. There is more for you. There is more for ALL of us… just you wait and see.
With Such Love,
40-year-old Jen (Me)
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“‘May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.’” (Numbers 6:24-26)
Dear God,
Thank you. I start with thank you and I end with thank you. I pray each day I remember to do this too. There was so much hurt, brokenness and chains. However, freedom came. I thank you forever and ever for that. Today, I ask You to show me where I still need to work. Help me do that. Help me heal and grow in faith even more. I ask You to set captives free. I ask You to heal anxiety, eating disorders, depression and addiction throughout our world. Break chains in the lives of my family and friends. I pray for the person reading this: bless their life. May they feel the warmth of Your love and the outpouring of blessings in their lives. I pray for protection, healing and love over their families. I pray that over mine too. Through it all, I give You all praise. Thank you Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
