GOD KNOWS MY NAME

Lied to by fear,

blinded by shame,

until I learned the Truth-

God calls me by name!

Have you ever really thought about it…

How God, the Creator of the entire world knows us each by name!

How He created each of us as part of His beautiful creation and plan!

When I think of that… my eyes sprinkle themselves with happy tears of the “I’m not crying. You are” type. Because I am loved and known, and so are YOU!

(Because this is a longer blog post, I am going to share reflection questions throughout it to reflect on. So here we go…)

Have you ever been blinded by shame, guilt, envy, or even fear?

Although I don’t want to admit it, I am prompted to share that I’ve been there. That was until I started to dive into the Bible and learn of God’s everlasting love for us! The shame was silenced when Psalm 139:1 carved its Truth into my heart.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” (Psalm‬ ‭139‬:‭1‬ ‭NIV‬‬)

I didn’t always know God’s Word though nor about His deep love for us. Sure, I knew bits and pieces from what people told or taught me growing up but about 8 years ago, I made it a daily discipline to read and learn the Bible, and to start my mornings with God.

And it changed everything.

He changed my life.

Have you been through one of those dark valleys where you are surrounded but feel so alone?

Like many of us, I’ve been through some very challenging times like that, some valleys that were so dark that it tricked my eyes into thinking they were asleep or even blind. While much of it, I haven’t yet shared, I was prompted to write it out years ago. It has not yet been the right time to publish the memoir in its entirety but I am praying on it and pray to be bold and courageous enough to do so when God says, “It’s time.” Still, I am prompted to share this part since we are talking about CHALLENGES this week…

For me, anxious thoughts started at a very young age. In fact, so many memories of my youth were ones of fear. I didn’t talk about it though because I felt ashamed. Then there was the social anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorder of my preteen/teenager years. I sought to be perfect and hid behind my smile, good grades, sports and anything I could. Yet, I was starving to be seen, still ashamed. I wanted everyone to know I really was beautiful, but the shame BLINDED me into thinking I was ugly.

I didn’t see what others saw when I looked in the mirror. The wild part was… I didn’t know it was different either. I didn’t believe what others told me. I just heard the lies louder telling me… such terrible taunts. In my striving and starving both figuratively and literally, it brought me to the point of needing to be hospitalized at the age of 15, having lost 40 unhealthy pounds from my 5’6” frame when I didn’t need to lose any at all. In fact, my liver had started to be affected from it and I was told that all of this, may make having children one day difficult.

During that time, the doctor who admitted me into the hospital TOLD me that I would more than likely… become a statistic and relapse time and time again throughout my life, and that this eating disorder was not something that would ever go away. Instead, he told my mom and I that it would be something I just learned to live with.

Learned to live with…

Still, I know there are no chains too great to be broken but in the brokenness, it is challenging to remember that especially when you hear such words of doubt. I have always remembered those words and that conversation even now as I write this almost exactly 25 years later.

BUT…

Above those weighty words I somehow heard, an inaudible voice upon my heart that I didn’t understand at the time but now I do. I heard God telling me, “You will not become a statistic.”

And I believed it.

To God be all the glory!

I don’t know how I believed it because I had felt so hopeless in hearing the statistics and in general at that time. But I felt it and for a second, I even felt hope. I knew the hope of a promise. I felt empowered. I was 15 and though I started to gain weight back and came home two weeks later, I battled the disorder in silence in various ways and forms for over 15 more years.

Still, I remembered God’s Word and promise to me. And I believed it. I just didn’t know how it would come to be and I don’t know if I was always taking the best steps to receive freedom from it or listening to what I should be doing.

Then, there was college and my twenties. While the anxiety and disordered eating was still there, it looked differently: insomnia, ocd, and while I was no longer starving myself, I found comfort in things like counting calories still and drinking away my shame. While it all piled up, I still wrote and talked to God. But, I, once again, wasn’t listening as much as I was talking.

♡ Therefore, it is a question I often ask myself now. Lord, what do I need to do in the situation? How can I walk away from what is not good for me? Lord, lead me and help me to pause long enough to listen. There was so much I wish I would have walked away from and listened to sooner. But God. He is forgiving. He is faithful to His promise and He is always good. He loves us all even in our brokenness. Any moment is the chance to turn back to Him. Every single moment holds the chance…

Then, skip ahead to being a new mom thrown into the world of food allergies. Now, at the age of 32, I was secretly still counting calories. I wasn’t limiting much but still counting. I longed for control and counting gave me an false sense of it. I blamed some of it on culture and how it will keep us counting and comparing. However, ultimately it was my decision what and who I listened to, the Word or the world?

It was 2016 and I was still praying for that promise to come to be, to be set free but sat in the false security the counting gave me. Still I cried out like David in Psalm 13.

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.”

‭‭(Psalms‬ ‭13‬:‭1‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬)

Yet, I falsely believed the disorder was part of who I was at this point. I falsely believed that maybe my healing came and I was only meant to be “half healed.”

But those were lies of the enemy to keep me soaking in shame.

It wasn’t part of me.

I was always who God said I was!

And He said I would NOT become a statistic!

I was victorious in Christ!

And so are YOU!

Jesus defeated it all at the cross.

And that is the same for us all.

So say it with me, “I am victorious in Christ! I am made for more. I am so much more than the lies, fear and shame. God knows my name!”

2016 was the year that my son had his first anaphylactic reaction to dairy and we learned he had 21 potential food allergies. Because of his health at the time, I too gave up the foods to continue breastfeeding him. While I was no longer limiting calories, I was STILL counting on most days. (It had been 20 years of doing so at that point.) But God is faithful to His promises, and the words that He had once placed in my young fifteen-year-old heart saying that I would overcome the eating disorder fully, came true.

But in a way I never ever imagined…

It was in doing that elimination diet for my son that I longer felt that I needed to keep track of calories. I was free of the addiction! It was gone! It was a moment I will never forget. I remember wanting to tell everyone but thinking no one will ever believe me. And yet it didn’t matter because I’m not sure anyone even knew the depths of the disorder… but God knew. He knows and He loves us all through and through.

It unfolded like this…

The longer I did that elimination diet for my son, the more I learned about food and the true ingredients inside it. It made me begin to eat a wholesome, whole foods diet full of lots of vegetables and fruits. It also caused me to start to lose a lot of weight. I had still been recording my daily intake on my calorie phone app.

Please note: this is nothing against keeping tracking of calories. I know and believe what is helpful for one person may not be for another. The counting of calories was a prison for me. It was something I was yoked to and time and time again, I felt God telling me to stop but I stubbornly did not listen.

So the pounds began to shed, but I knew I could not lose anymore and get stuck deeper in a negative cycle. Therefore, I added in more and more food while also secretly happy that I had lost weight I had no business losing. The enemy was having a field day with my emotions and mind again, feeding me such lies and distractions. It was about control for me; I needed to feel like I had some kind of control despite everything in my life feeling so out of my control like the food allergies. (I also had undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder at the time. I am grateful to the wonderful therapist who uncovered that and helped me to and through a journey of healing.)

The “ironic” part of the elimination diet was as my caloric intake increased, I started to feel healthier but the numbers and calculations no longer brought me comfort. Instead, they stressed me out. I had to eat so much extra food to continue breastfeeding on this diet and while many people told me that I should be excited about that, I knew I had to make a change. No one knew my secret of counting that had me thinking I was in control when really I was running from the One in control and what He was guiding me to do…

Stop counting.

Start trusting.

Delete the app Jen.

I knew I had to stop counting calories once and for all. It took a few times of deleting the application from my phone to get rid of it for good. I would never have imagined that seventeen years after being admitted into an eating disorder unit and being told that I would never overcome the disorder and that this distorted eating addiction would be a way of life for me forever…

that my son’s anaphylactic reaction and food allergies would set the stage for the complete opposite.

Freedom!

Well, God did!

He set me free!

It was through this trial that the addiction was overcome, an addiction the statistics already including me in,

I overcame it through Christ! He has overcome it all! Therefore, there is always hope for it all.

♡ What are you clinging to His hope for today? Is there something you have given up on because time told you to?

Do.Not.Give.Up!

There is hope! There is Jesus!

Therefore, we must learn from David’s example through the trials. “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalms‬ ‭13‬:‭5‬-‭6‬)

1) Keep praying.

2) Keep trusting God.

3) Keep rejoicing.

4) Keep worshipping as our eyes look to the goodness of the Lord.

I would never again count calories. I would not have the remnants of any eating disorder. Sure, there may be a temptation here or there but I pray in those moments and thank God for what He has done in my life.

Set free!

We are set free!

Interestingly enough, (and I do not believe in irony anymore) everything that I had learned about food ingredients and labels from those years of obsessions has become an incredible resource for my son in keeping him protected and safe over the years. I would have and could have never planned it to go that way. I still hear that whisper that I had heard years ago over that emergency room doctor’s voice, tell my deteriorating and yearning teenage body that:

I would not become a statistic.

I believed it before I could see it, before I knew where it came from, or rather Who that inaudible voice within my heart came from. And almost two decades later when I finally saw and felt it, I began to see a deeper purpose for those valleys, for those negative words, for my life, for my son’s life. I saw purpose in the waiting no matter how weary I seemed, I knew God was renewing my strength. I heard “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NIV‬‬)

God’s timing is always best and His ways would be incomprehensible to our minds if He revealed it all to us. Therefore, sometimes after the prompts, comes the waiting. Sometimes, the waiting is because we are stubbornly holding onto our own old ways like I was. Still, God is with us and any moment is the chance to turn it around. Even though it took seventeen years to be removed from the statistics, it came in a way I would never have drafted.

We are more than what the world labels us as and more than anyone’s opinion.

We are His!

The Lord’s

created on and for purpose

God was doing so much more than I could do on my own. God IS doing so much more! We won’t always know what He is doing but we can trust Him, He stays true to the promises.

♡ What promise of God are you holding onto today?

No matter what our situation is, God is always working behind the scenes. Much like the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50, through all of the greatest pains and injustices, God was working out so much more. Joseph was one of twelve sons to his father Jacob, but his father’s known favorite. After having and interpreting some of his dreams, he retold them to his brothers. Now, these were no ordinary dreams. They were ones that foreshadowed Joseph’s rule over his brothers. His already-jealous brothers then grew even more envy, jealousy and anger for him. Therefore, they planned to have him killed until the oldest brother Reuben stopped their plot. Instead, they sold him into slavery to Potiphar, an assistant to the Pharaoh of Egypt. While he was about seventeen or eighteen years old at the time, he then spent the next twelve to thirteen years in prison and in the house of Potiphar before receiving deliverance, freedom and true blessings for such grief and injustice. I encourage everyone to read this full story some time as there is so much more to it. However, at the age of thirty after interpreting an important dream for the king of Egypt, he was made into his overseer, a position of great honor and privilege.

Then about two decades after his brothers sold him away, his siblings were part of the crowds who came to Pharaoh for food during a famine. While Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him. Once Joseph revealed himself to his brothers, they asked for his forgiveness and Joseph had an interesting and humbling response.

“And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.” (Genesis 45:5-7)

♡ What can Joseph’s story teach us? What can His response and posture teach us in “the prisons” of life?

Joseph told them not to blame themselves for selling him away years ago. For God had sent him there to save so many lives with his interpretation of the pharaoh's dreams. It predicted the seven year famine and allowed them to plan and save resources accordingly. God needed him right there where he was. God was there through it all. God was using his broken parts for so much more than he could have ever plotted out himself. Like Joseph, our greatest grief and trials can be used. Even our most broken parts and experiences can be used.

I find that to be a confirmation and source of encouragement in the waiting.

Still, the enemy will try anything at us. For me, it has been how he tries to get me soaking in self-doubt, guilt and shame. The liar will try to trick, tempt or even distract us to go back. Therefore, I started to hear the doubt and the fearful questions like…

♡ What did my oldest kids witness during those first years of life when I was battling the anxiety, the eating disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, the postpartum anxiety?

I heard the lies that told me that I messed them up forever. Lies! Lies! Lies!

I once again didn’t talk about it but I internally battled it until I found myself in a conversation telling another mom the following advice that I knew I needed to give myself too…

It was not about how we fell down. We all fall down. Instead, it’s about how we rise and get up that matters and our kids watch us do just that too. They watched us become stronger and even more resilient. And every single moment holds that new chance, including right now.

There is no shame. There is Truth: God knows our name.

We can’t lie and say challenging times will never come but we all learn through our posture during those times.

Pray.

Trust.

Rejoice.

Worship.

Others, like our children, watch our response too. They watch our rise too. So let’s ask ourselves this…

♡ What is my first response? What do I do when faced with a difficulty? Do I turn to the Lord and prayer? Do I praise God for what He has done in my life? Do I celebrate THE RISE over the prisons? Do I trust God through it all?

Your story is a powerful one. Those around us watch those stories unravel too and they learn the greatest qualities and lessons without even consciously knowing it. Humans need to hear more about that. May our focus turn from the blinding shame to be opened by God’s light. May we unclench our need for fleeting control to the loving arms of the One in control, the One that helps us RISE.

Praise God for the story. I praise God for your story though I may not even know it. “An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies” (Proverbs 12:17 NIV). So tell your story and testimonies truthfully and humbly. There is no need to cover up and hide what can bring others to Jesus if God prompts you to share. In most cases, honesty is the best policy. But in telling it and throughout any of it, just remember you don’t need to do any of it alone. Come to God with it all and embrace His goodness. It’s a lot easier than we often think. So much of it is about setting our priorities straight.

Think about the principle of priorities. Imagine you have a large jar and you are given a bunch of small rocks and one giant rock that all must be placed into the jar. If you place all the small rocks in first, there is a great chance that the large one will not fit. Instead, if you place the large rock first, the rest of the small ones will fall into place around it. God is that large rock. He must be first. Everything else sure does fall into place. But sometimes our mess needs some reorganizing first.

So The Art of a Messy House challenge this week is this… whatever it is you are battling or have battled, do yourself a favor and give it to God. Talk to God about it. Empty the jar if you need to and put God first. If you can’t do so or if you need help with something, reach out to people who can help you, pastors, therapists, physicians, family and friends. God gave people giftings in this area for a reason.

It is so important to forgive yourself too. And know that God is by your side through it all. He never promised us that it would easy, but God’s love, truth and promise stand forever.

Silence the shame.

Praise God’s glorious name!

Put on a worship song and praise God for what He has done, is doing and all that He will do. Praise God for who He is. Get outside. Soaking in some vitamin D. Soak in His goodness. Declare the chains broken. Ask God to teach you through it all and to break you free of whatever may still be blinding or holding you back.

Don’t sit in the shame…

Instead, remember this: God knows YOUR name! He created YOU for a beautiful purpose and to walk in abundance.

When the trials come, let’s keep our eyes on Jesus, on His victory, on the blessings waiting to be unveiled.

So one more reflection…

♡ Do I need to fix my focus more? Do I need to forgive someone or even myself for something? Do I need to turn from any lingering shame to God’s full Truth?

Last but never least, I would never take back and erase what I had gone through after having my oldest two kids. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to do it again but without it once, I truly believe I would not have the same outlook I have today. I would not have been able to be broken down to be rebuilt. I had been running from it but I needed my foundation rebuilt properly before I could hold more weights, more blessings, more life. I see it now how I had once been building a life upon worldly opinions of me. However, it could never stand. Therefore, that foundation was built and continues to be built upon…

God’s Word and in His presence, upon the joy of the Lord being my strength right here right now.

Dear God,

Thank you. You turn messes into messages and miracles and tests into testimonies. I pray for every single person reading this and who ever will read it. I pray for their beautiful purpose and testimony. I pray they know how much they are loved and known. I pray blessings upon their lives right here right now because they were beautifully created by You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

“Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned.” (Genesis‬ ‭39‬:‭4‬)

“The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph’s care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.” (Genesis‬ ‭39‬:‭23‬)

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬)

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God bless!